#2 - friday, october 31st

[heartbreakhotel]

i'm afraid i'm becoming uninteresting. one of those people who seems to never have anything to add to a conversation. i'm terrified of the long pauses, the vacuum in the interactions. and then comes the shame of possibly having said something unnecessary, futile, or foolish. i feel out of control, that's what it is.

not long ago, i decided i would make an effort to forge connections — new place, new opportunities, and all that. but maybe i don't actually want to do that. maybe i need to rethink my life and determine whether the things i think i want make sense, or if they are just perceptions i'm absorbing from the people around me.

that's why i abandoned social media in the first place. i was sick of comparing my offline life with the edited and manicured versions of other people's lives. i was exhausted from wanting things i don't even truly desire. from wondering where i went wrong when i don't even believe i made a mistake at all. today at lunchtime, feeling drowsy, i scrolled through an acquaintance's profile just to pass the time. after ten minutes i felt physically sick, unwell and nauseous, as if i had suddenly eaten something greasy and sweeter than it should be.

the other side of this "desertion" comes with a price, and i feel lonely, isolated — as if no one cares whether i'm alive or dead. but most people, social media people, probably didn't care in the first place. likes are not interactions after all. i simply decided to step out of a room where no one was truly conversing.